The Expendables 2

Source:http://www.hdwallpapers.in/walls/the_expendables_2-wide.jpg

The Expendables is a movie franchise that has destroyed each and every one of my favorite action heroes. I have no idea why Hollywood producers think all our hopes and dreams have to be crushed by telling us our heroes are old, clumsy and should be in a museum.

Our tired heroes are back with The Expendables 2. Apparently Jean Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme) has gotten hold of some plutonium, which he plans to sell to the highest bidder, and the good old gang has to stop him. Why? Because Bruce Willis said so and Sylvester Stallone owed him a favor.

I'm gonna call the characters by their real name because this movie was not subtle about referencing the movies each and every one of these heroes have been in. With the corny jokes and the stupid innuendos that had the subtlety of a train wreck, this movie has officially destroyed my action colored glasses.

Here's a list of 10 reasons why I hated it:

1) Why on earth would they replace Jet Li with rookie Yu Nan? I got two seconds of awesomeness and then it was gone.

2)Jean Vilain?! Really? So his real name is Jean-Claude. In this movie his name is Jean and in The Expendables 3, he comes back as Claude (Jean's twin?). Right. And his last name is Vilain? Why didn't they just call him Jean the Villain?

3) Arnold Schwarzeneger. If I hear "I'm Back" ONE more time. Bruce Willis said it best, "You've been back enough times."

4) Bruce Willis' gay ass scarf. 100 points for fashion, -1000 for badassery.

5)Chuck Norris and his weird soundtrack.

6)Liam Hemsworth died. He was also a pretty sensitive guy who had a girlfriend back home. She didn't  cry and neither did I.

7)Jason Statham said the corniest lines ever. I don't like it when he talks. His action says it all.

8)Stallone's retarded ass face.

9)Stallone's retarded ass running.

Watch this to laugh non-stop



10) Statham's opponent started beating him bad and I was incredulous because there is no way that guy had enough training to take Jason on, in the movie or in real life.

Bonus: WORST WRITING EVER

Now it is time to be fair. Here are four things I liked:

1)Jason's knife throwing skills in the church. He would have made a great team with Paul Bettany in Priest. 

2) Stallone, when he said "rest in pieces."

3)Stallone getting Van Dammed (Van Damme is so agile with those kicks)

4)Van Damme getting Rocky Balboa-d (punch, punch,punch, UFFF!)